Sometimes, it can take me a while to get my thoughts down in a blog post. I find I can articulate what I want better when I say it. But I felt compelled to write this one down. This week, in the space of a few days, we went from celebrating International Women’s Day to women recounting their experiences of harassment. They were sadly all too familiar, whether through my own experiences, through the eyes of the young women I support or friends and family members’ experiences. The news of Sarah Everard’s disappearance struck such a deep chord. I’d seen posters showing her face and last whereabouts on Monday morning on trees in Brockwell Park. That park is only 40 mins away from Clapham Common. Prior to the pandemic, Clapham Common was one of my regular meeting places for mentor sessions. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told to be careful when I am out and about for work, especially when it’s late. Like many of us, Sarah was just trying to get home via a route that she would have walked time and time again. That fact that even in 2021 some people have questioned why she was out walking alone at night only serves to remind us of just how far we still have to go to shift away from victim blaming.

Through my role I support young women who have been affected by abuse and domestic violence. They have been gaslighted, raped, attacked, made to feel unsafe and some still bear the scars of their past many years down the line. All it could take is an innocuous word or seeing something that triggers a memory they have tried to suppress to bring these conversations up. In all honesty, it’s hard not to get emotional about it because they have experienced some horrific things. The worst thing is knowing that I might be one of only a few people they have reached out to who hasn’t judged them or said it’s their fault those things have happened to them. When those closest to them don’t believe them, you can hardly blame these young women for wanting to pretend nothing happened, continually second guess themselves and think “what if…?”. It’s also frustrating when men try to harass, blatantly stare and catcall during our sessions in parks in broad daylight. After hearing the latest news on Sarah’s case on Friday, it wouldn’t surprise you that myself and the young person I was training were even more hypervigilant. The park was quieter than usual for the afternoon so when we spotted a man acting a bit strange and staring uncomfortably in our direction you can bet that we were on alert until he disappeared into another part of the park. These are supposed to be safe spaces for us to be in to exercise and enjoy. You can see the fear and mistrust surface on the young women’s faces when it happens. It’s a toss-up between calling this unwarranted behaviour out or moving the young women to safety in case something happens. I feel like a parent or big sister wanting to step in and protect them. I know I can’t do this when we don’t have sessions so of course I am going to worry about them. At the end of the day, we are trying to help the young women be confident and strong enough to stand up for themselves and live the life they deserve. They also shouldn’t have to feel like the only safe space to exercise in is indoors or with another person. They shouldn’t have to feel they need to rely on others all the time to do simple, everyday things.

Reading through tweets on this topic has been a real eye opener this week. It doesn’t matter what age we are, what we wear, where we go, what time of day it is, women have been subject to harassment and abuse. We’ve spent most of our lives having to be hypervigilant of our surroundings. Recounting my own experiences, I have been nervous when travelling in a near empty train carriage or bus and a man will sit a couple of seats away or opposite me rather than somewhere else. Doesn’t matter if it’s morning, afternoon or evening it happens. I’ve had that uneasy feeling of someone following me when, in reality, our routes are probably the same for the most part except the destination. When on holiday by myself I have had men approach me whilst I am exploring busy touristy areas asking for my number. I had to say no quite firmly a few times before they got the message and even then, I had to figure a way to exit the situation so that they didn’t follow me to where I was staying. Saying no once should have been enough but many of us know that it doesn’t always work. This was never a problem when I was in a relationship. Apparently, I can only feel safe and won’t be approached if I am with a man. Don’t get me wrong though, I count myself lucky that I have men in my life who will call other men out for inappropriate behaviour. But at the same time, I can hold my own too when needed. I don’t need someone to hold my hand for me every time I have to go out the door to work, to run, to see friends, go shopping, etc. But I also don’t want to feel hypervigilant because it’s exhausting being on edge all the time.

Things We Have to Consider as Women

In the context of running, I have had to consider the following at some point:

Women on social media have brought up these points about what they have to think about or do when out (there may well be even more that I have missed because there have been so many shared):

What Can Men Do to Help?

It’s been heartening to see men ask questions out of genuine concern about what they can do to help the situation. It’s equally frustrating seeing “Not All Men” trending at the same time. We know it’s not all men, we just don’t know which men it could be. It’s all well and good saying “I’ve never done that” or “But I’m one of the good guys”. How would you feel if these women were one of your relatives, a partner or a friend? Wouldn’t you want to make sure they felt safe? Also, we are not denying or ignoring the fact that men can be at risk too. Right now, we are asking you to hear our lived experiences and to help us educate other men that certain behaviours are not ok. Call them out when they say or do something inappropriate. We’ve shouted about this for far too long and it feels like it’s fallen on deaf ears until now. It’s taken another tragic and devastating situation for our pleas to be heard. It’s another situation that could have been avoided. We’re getting tired. We want to change the narrative. Please, enough is enough already!

#SarahEverard #SheWasWalkingHome #RestInPeace

Carmen is on Twitter: @sportygirl_85