Culture, Lifestyle, Women
A Female Runner’s experience of Impostor Syndrome
YOU CAN’T DO THIS!
The nasty chimp shouts. I’m familiar with his taunts. After over 30 years, you would be. You see, I wasn’t meant to be a runner. Running, cycling, outdoor pursuits, team sports – none of it was for me. I wasn’t that girl. ‘You’re not built like that,’ they would say. Built like what? I wondered in my earlier years, until teenage struck and then I knew. And for a long while I believed what they said. I became familiar with dreading P.E at school and the annual cross country running competition. I buried myself deep under layers of self-doubt, with images of my pathetic attempts at running (or not, as in walking across the finish line of said school cross country events) etched in my mind.
I hid my sadness under mountains of food. Comfort eating in solitude became my alternative to an active, carefree young life. I saw my body weight soar as my confidence plummeted, making the task of doing any kind of physical activity even harder.
The memories are still vivid. A chair breaking whilst I am sitting on it at school; the awkward silence and muffled laughter as I pick myself up from the floor. The attempt to run on a treadmill at the gym during one tortuous P.E session, and having to step off after less than a handful of minutes feeling like my lungs are going to burst.
It is no surprise then, that this chimp taunts me in this way. He surely has all the ammunition he needs, right? He has all the evidence to base his cruel assertions that THIS IS NOT FOR ME. I CANNOT – AND SHOULD NOT – DO THIS. I AM NOT A RUNNER.
And yet…
I am sitting here 41 years old, having run 10 marathons – 5 of those in London. I have race medals and photos plastered over my walls. I have a glass shelf with the prizes from various races – 1st female at a 20-mile road race; 2nd lady in a local – hilly – half marathon; 2nd V35 in a 5k race series.
I am that person. I have done those things. I have learned to push past the mean little voice telling me that I shouldn’t even try. I realised that proving him wrong was one of the best feelings possible. I love collecting race numbers – every single one is a middle finger up to the chimp who has tried to sabotage my running – and my life – and who would have preferred me to continue with my comfort-eating sad little existence.
I am so glad I didn’t do that.
So, when you hear the words ‘This Girl Can’ please know that it’s true. It isn’t just a quirky slogan designed to flash up on social media. There is meaning behind those words. I had to LIVE those words and believe in those words so strongly that it catapulted me from my saddest to my happiest, most vibrant, best life.
That is what running has done for me.
